Monday, August 4, 2008

When Passion and Purpose Become One

As I begin to type this the blog the current time is 10:43pm. In my mind I know I should head off to bed as I have a full work day ahead and mom starts her chemo tomorrow. 1000’s of people all over the world will need my assistance tomorrow, yet I just wish I were there to hold my moms hand and give her a hug as her doctor injects a poison into her body with the faith in will make her cancer go into remission. As the tears roll down my cheeks I try to imagine what my mom must be feeling right now, I know she laid down in bed several hours ago, as she normally does, yet tonight she must be more scared that even the night she found out she has stage 4 lung cancer.

I know I will find a restful nights sleep knowing I have done everything I can today to ensure my mom knows how much she is loved and how much she means to me. Without her you would not be reading this. Not only did my mom bring me into this world, she had molded me into the man I am today. I am sure that alone will give her the strength to fight as hard as she can to beat this terrible cancer. She did not only mold and create me; she also molded and created my brother and sister. They are both strong and amazing people. Together the 3 of us have created something that has become more than we could have ever imagined. We created a foundation in our mothers name to help not only cancer patients, but the ones around them that love them so much.

I wonder what pops must be feeling. He took the 3 of us in as his own. My niece and nephews are the apple of his eyes, just as they are the apple of my mom’s eyes. I know mom will be there to watch them grow up and have children, her great grandchildren. I know she will give them even more wisdom than she gave us. After all mom was only 17, barely an adult when she gave birth to me. My mind has a hard time imagining what she has to offer her grandchildren.

I sit her at my dinning room table as I have for over a month, every night. Tonight to my left is a list of the drugs they are going to inject my mom’s body with tomorrow. The side effects of these drugs are wild. How do you deal with the fact you may have “closing of the throat’?

I sit here wondering what my mom will look and feel like the next time I see her. I live in Phoenix and she lives in San Diego. I know less than two weeks ago I barely recognized her as they wheeled her back to her hospital room after a procedure. A procedure that the Dr told her, in front of me and pops, would “not be bad”. Mom was in so much pain I had to do a double take, because I did not recognize her as they wheeled her 10 feet past me.

Mom (at least via the phone) has an amazing outlook, yet I know deep inside she must be as scared as I am. On the other hand I know mom has a created an amazingly strong person in me thus she must be just as strong, after all she created 3 of us.

I am going to close this blog with one thing. Mom I love you more than you can imagine and my brother sister and I are going to do everything we know, or may need to learn to ensure you beat this cancer, and that you will live a happy fulfilled life on your terms. Simply knowing you can raise kids that can do so much so many has to give you faith in yourself.

I love you always, your a fighter, kick this in the @ss


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