I have never asked for much, ask the people that know me. Most of my adult life I have been on top of the world. I have traveled to places most only imagine. Yet those trips were to work. I must admit an amazing week in Cancun overlooking the Caribbean, a cruise to the Caribbean on an amazing cruise ship were not all that bad.
However what does Dan Hart really dream about? I must admit my dreams have changed immensely over the last few years. However my dreams are simple. I want those faced with cancer to live a happy life. I know first hand the family members do not. One day is good, the next not so good and the next maybe even scary. Just the other night I asked my brother if I should come to San Diego, it was via a long string of text messages. Gotta love text messages. Your emotions don’t show (as much). I want to support mom in the way I used to be able, however those trips to San Diego from Phoenix reek havoc on a budget that was not there for it.
Mom having Lung Cancer has had a huge impact on me, financially, mentally and spiritually. Yet for the most part I still chug forward. I promote the San Diego Lung Cancer Walk daily. I promote the Liz Martocci Lung Cancer Foundation daily.
There are days when I feel like a failure. I used to have money in the bank. I used to be able to buy what I wanted when I wanted. I used to be able to help my family if they needed anything. Today I can not say that, at least with dollars.
Every time I go back to San Diego for 5-6 hours on the road I wonder what mom may look like. Every time I see her its like layers of her are now gone. I really wanted to do a video diary of mom beating lung cancer. I didn’t do it each time I visited simply because the pain of seeing her in such agony kills me, and I do not want to ever remember her like that.
My mom, Liz Martocci, is an incredible woman. While statistics say she has less the 4.5 years I often wonder if she is not going to just bounce back and say “I was just testing you kids”. I hope the later is true.
I have not told mom to “fight” in a while. Her pain overwhelms me, my pain overwhelms me. I have cried more this year ( today is 2/5/09 than I did in the last 10 years combined)
In closing I want to say my dreams are big. I live them RIGHT now, personally. If we took mom’s lung cancer out of the equation, all of my family would be ok. Cancer takes such a toll, not only on your heart, but on your finances, missed work, extra gas, wear and tear on your car, but it chips away at you inside. Would I rather give up the time I get to spend with mom, when I do? Bill Gates doesn’t have the money for that. Do I wish I could spend more time with her YES!
Typing through tears is tough.